the 30 second socializer: everything’s a compliment

Greg may not know it yet, but we’re going to begin offering occasional ‘quick tips’ for improving your social skills (and therefore life in general).  The series will be known as ‘The 30 Second Socializer’.

In the field of NLP there is a concept known as ‘reframing’.  It’s basically a tool to help you change the context of a situation in a way that’s more favorable for you.  If you’ve ever heard the phrase “it’s always on”, this is a perfect example of reframing.

This morning I found myself chatting up a lovely young girl waiting for the train.   She was on her way to school, I was on my way to work.  The interaction was upbeat and fun, and when I reflected on it later I realized a reframing technique I had used that can work for anyone.

Everything’s a compliment.

As we were talking, she asked which train stop she should take to get to campus.  When I told her I was on my way to work, she said; “I thought you were a student too”. Without missing a beat I replied “Wow, thanks. I must look young today.  That feels as good as getting carded at the bar”.  She smiled, and the conversation continued.

In reflecting on it, I realized that  someone else might have interpreted her comment as a negative one directed at my clothing.  This morning, my fine tailored shirt was hidden beneath a very casual grey hoodie.  My leather messenger bag (as usual) was slung over my shoulder. 

If I had been thinking in those terms, I might have responded with something like “I have a nicer jacket at home” or some other ridiculous, defensive remark. That would have dampened the mood, and I would have lowered my value in her eyes by doing so.

Instead, I found the complimentary interpretation for what she had said, and responded to that.

I felt great about the conversation, and that exchange specifically.

In this case, I truly do think she meant it as a compliment.  But what about situations where a person is obviously insulting you?

Everything’s a compliment.

Let’s take an example;

Random Idiot in the bar: You’re fat.
You:  Thanks for noticing!  I’ve been bulking up for awhile now.  Makes my workouts that much better.

By not ‘buying into his frame’ (an insult) and instead interpreting it as a compliment, you’ve shown that he does not have the power to reduce your self-image.

This style of thinking begins to build a foundation for greater confidence overall.

If anyone has examples of this from their own life, please post them in the comments.

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