Socializing 101: How to Use Eye Contact

The question of being social is an interesting one. Why are some people social butterflies who seem to easily talk to anyone? Why are some people the opposite and consider it out of their capabilities to start a conversation with a stranger?

The reasons are complex and go deep into human psychology, and they’re not really that important right now. However, where do you begin if you’re a wallflower and want to come out of your shell a bit? I think it’s all about small steps taken every day.

How do I know? A little less than a year ago, I was one of those extremely shy guys. Would I hold eye contact with a stranger on a street? No. Would I smile at a stranger? No. Could I even muster a “Hey” as I walked past a tenant living in the same apartment complex as me? You can guess the answer.

You might say I was an extreme case, but my how things have changed. And I’d like to impart some of the first steps I took in turning this part of my life around.

My first lesson was in eye contact from Urban Monarch contributor Sifu. I vividly remember the cold December day where we first met at a downtown diner. After I witnessed the way he was interacting with our waitress, I knew he had no problem with social skills. More than just a gifted socializer, he was something of a “natural” with women. So I asked him how eye contact works.

My basic rule in eye contact up to that point in life was, “You can look at someone, but don’t get caught looking. And if their eyes catch you looking at them, avert your gaze immediately.” Of course, my way of using eye contact was completely wrong.

Sifu told me I should be doing the opposite: initiate eye contact with someone and hold, hold, hold. Not in a creepy way of course. You’re not staring people down. But you’re no longer averting your eyes from them, as if you’ve done something wrong by looking at them and should feel sorry.

So try this when you’re out and about during your day. Hold eye contact with people. Men, women, children — it doesn’t matter. If it’s easier to try this with just men, or just women at first, then do that. The goal here is, don’t be the first one to shift your eyes away once you have eye contact. Hold it until it’s uncomfortable (and yes, it will be very uncomfortable if this isn’t something you normally do).

If your “eye contact showdown” is at a stalemate and no one is conceding, what do you do? Simply flash a little grin, an upturn of the eyebrow, or give a slight knowing nod. Then look at something else and continue along your way. (If it’s a woman you could talk to her. She’s probably interested in you! But for many of us that’s considered advanced social kung fu, so we won’t go there…yet.)

It will be hard at first, but after a few attempts you’ll realize, just as I did, that it’s not a big deal.

So please try this anywhere and everywhere. Walking down the sidewalk, on the bus, in the grocery store. It’s the first step.