Sex: Kiss and Tell
October 25, 2006 by Greg
This is a new weekly feature here on Urban Monarch. This column will embrace all sexual topics. I could not think of a better way to open this column than to broach the subject of talking about sex. To be more specific, I’m talking about kissing and telling.
Glenn wrote an article earlier this week reviewing Zan’s latest DVD. One quote about kissing and telling not only stuck out to me, but offended me…
He feels no need to validate himself to other men by bragging about his exploits. His encounters with other women are never about bolstering his self-esteem or adding another notch to his bedpost — it is all about respect. This is because he’s not interested in taking something, but in sharing something with her. A woman that trusts you enough to open her heart, emotions, and body, is something that’s very profound. It can never be taken lightly.
Zan is hitting a good point here, but only on the surface. He is correct in saying that sex is act of respect and not a bragging right. I also agree with switching the focus from an act of conquest to an act of intimacy. However it is near sighted to believe this is the only reason one would talk about sex. Drilling the point that sex with a woman is something you can’t talk about only spreads the social paranoia of sex. The point would be better expressed by advising that sex isn’t a status symbol.
Coming of age dating, I too learned the social norms of sexual secrecy. A gentleman does not kiss and tell. I took this advice to heart and kept sacred the secrets of my sexual encounters. One day, to my surprise, it became apparent that all the friends of my girlfriend new the intimate details of our sex life. This scenario only continued to repeat itself as I grew older and the women in my life grew more comfortable in their sexuality.
Women talk about sex, and they talk about it in detail. The only time it’s not talked about it, is when that act has become illicit. Be the cause infidelity or insecurity, the effect is the same. The shame is amplified when talking about it, thus the policy of no kissing and telling seems to make sense. However, this surface level solution does not fix the true problem. That problem is illicit sex. If you are truly building respectful encounters with women, than this problem is avoided completely.
While talking about sex women develop emotional support from their friends. They are expressing their satisfactions, their concerns, and getting honest feedback from the people they value in their life. Where as the modern gentleman is tightly guarding their intimacy with the false worry of offending their partner. Instead of building a support system, they are burying their emotions. (side note: With all this repressed expression perhaps it isn’t such a mystery why men are more likely to commit suicide after divorce.)
Till next week, my advice to all men: love completely and don’t be afraid to kiss and tell.
I completely agree with you regarding ladies and this topic. For me personally however (as you know) I like to keep such things in confidence.
There’s just too many instances I’ve seen where people I’ve known HAVE used discussions like this as a form of bragging which isn’t benefitting anyone; least of all the girl’s reputation.
I can see sharing something like this if you were asking a question about technique, but even there, the girl your with is in a far better ahem ‘position’ to give you advice than your friends would be.
Ahhh Cash, I don’t think someone could say they really knew you, if they didn’t know you keep most things in confidence.
I think it is a fine line between bragging and expression. For example, it could just be an experience you were really excited about and wanted to share it with someone. There is still that element of happiness and pride associated with it, but lacks the i’m telling you this so you think i’m cool aspect.
We also agree on the asking your partner for advice. Communication about the sex you’re having is great. I can also see the flipside of needing male advice on certain issues, say, maintaining state.
When it comes to getting to know someone:
It is good to tell your partner somethings about your sexual past. As it will give some insight as to what you may or may not like. Otherwise, it maybe frustrating to the other when their left guessing.
After thinking about this topic, I agree with Greg in the sense that this is an issue of respect. If you respect someone, you’re not going to go defame their name and reputation because you were able to get a piece of ass from them. I’ve been in both positions before (the bragger and the one who has been bragged about) and it’s not fun in either spot. Someone’s feelings get hurt in the process.
I completely agree that you should be able to express yourself and your experiences with friends, but it has to not come off as bragging or that “look who I just boned the other night.” Coming from a girl, it’s a little difficult thinking that when a guy is talking to his friends about what you’ve done sexually together, it isn’t coming off as bragging. Maybe it’s that stereotype that all men brag about their sexual exploits and it’s a matter of conquest. I know it is not the case with a lot of men, but there is that stereotype still out there. You may hurt someone if you don’t know how they’re going to react if you share with your friends what you did. Your best bet would be discussing this with your partner and sense how they feel about the situation.
Catherine,
I agree completely with sharing your past with a partner, but not till we’ve reached a level of intimacy. It takes a lot of trust to share everything.
Raquel,
I think the bragging comes from who you are as a person and who your friends are. I also like the idea of running it by your partner as to whats between you two. Though I think I would have a hard time being with a partner with a lot of boundries.
I still like to keep it private and don’t tell the details. You can’t get anything good from telling your friends.
And Catherine, I don’t agree with you about sharing your past. I believe it’s not such a good idea because it creates competition. Communication and advice, yes; past, no. At least that’s how it works for me.
“Women talk about sex, and they talk about it in detail. The only time it’s not talked about it, is when that act has become illicit.”
Couldn’t said that better.
Sharing your past works for some people and doesn’t work for others. I know I’ve been dumped several times at the slightest mention of my past or of an ex. I used to be very open with my past, but then stopped because of that “competition” that would arise pretty much every single time. My last relationship was a very intimate one. We shared a lot and were open with each other. I don’t feel either one of us were intimidated by the other’s past. I think it takes a level of security and maturity to be able to recognize your partner will have a past and it’s ok. I believe you have to be open with each other, but ast Greg mentioned, only when intimacy is developed.
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