Spring seems to be the times for birthdays (including mine), so I’m throwing this rant out there since it’s “stuff we hate” day at Urban Monarch. I hate haphazard restaurant birthday parties.

It seems to be the default birthday activity to go out to eat. So you invite 20 of your friends to your favorite restaurant. You call ahead and make reservations, but your other friends, who obviously aren’t as good of friends as me, show up 20 minutes late.

We all get seated, sitting at tables where I’m forced into conversation with a select 4 people that are seated at my end of the table. After a hefty drink order, we annoy the waitress by needing another 30 minutes to mull over the menu.

After dinner we, the 20 of us, try and divide up the bill all including a couple bucks for your meal. But it’s not just a couple bucks for your meal, it’s a couple bucks for your cheap friends who aren’t paying their share of the drinks they enjoyed, or even the meal they ordered.

If you insist on going to a restaurant with all your friends, go to one with a private room. Reserve it. Only invite as many people as you (or your rich dad/friend/partner) can afford to pay the tab for. Everyone eats, celebrates your birthday, and has fun.

Or next year, just call me. I’ll take you to dinner, and I’ll pay for the whole damned thing, bottle of wine included.